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Name: Ker
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Member Since: 12/26/2007

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Monday, February 21, 2011

Just for you.

If you ever stumble upon this blog again, this is for you.
I want you to know that you are a very unique and one of a kind person to me.
Nobody and I mean it. Nobody can replace you.

Right now... I'm just very scared. Because I can't face the reality of what's going on.
I'm afraid you might leave. But I don't blame you. I would feel what you are feeling right now.
And you are right if you are thinking what I think you might be thinking: I am not you and I do not know how you feel right now.

I understand if your feelings change. I don't blame you. I blame me and my selfish ways, and my inability to inform you of all my past.

I just want you to know, that I care for you, and you are the only person in my heart. And that there is no one out there who can ever replace you right now as long as you are mine.

I am afraid. Very afraid of the outcome. I know that you wanted it to be special, that you were expecting something else, something different. I am not as perfect as you may thought. I have history, I have a past. And like every other human being, I run from it. I run as it chases me endlessly, hoping to one day just forgetting it.

I have nothing to hide from you. If you are curious, I will tell you, I will let you know.
Right now... I'm just breathless, speechless, because I don't know what to say.

Even if you change your mind, I still love you.

For you. A.L.


Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas Xanga

I miss writing here. Sometimes you're the only one I can vent to.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Hurting.

Maybe because I thought things would be different
and that distance wouldn't tame our affection,
I let down all my walls to let you in.

And now I'm hurting because you've managed to crash them all.


Friday, September 03, 2010

Closure

I could feel his fingers as they slowly crawled down my palm towards my fingers. Once they aligned perfectly together, the fingers locked in place. His fingered were intertwined with mine like magic. The feeling of his skin brushing against mine felt heavenly. I could feel his warm smile as he slowly tugged at me and lead me.

Everything was perfect...

It didn't matter where we were going as long as we were holding hands and together in the end.

We fled through our dreams, a seemingly endless vastness of pure white slowly blurred and blotched with colors, running through memories, dreams, and a reality we once knew. These were just images. They meant nothing more.

I felt like I was flying holding his hands. Everything was alright.

We fled through the darkness and into the light once more, leaving our shadows behind. Never once we looked back. We just kept going and going. There was nothing that was going to stop us... Right?

Wrong.

I began to fade... Slowly I began dissolving into thin air.

He smiled sincerely at me, "Go... I'll be waiting for you to come back."

With those words I smiled back and let myself fade away.

... ... ...

BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...

There was a constant beeping noise in the background. There were flutters of voices surrounding me, figures surround my vision, each looking down intently one at a time. Some were crying, some were just trying to console others.

My eyes faded once more into darkness. The figures disappeared and all I heard was his voice telling me everything is going to be OK. I trusted him, and I smiled.

When I awoke, I felt hands upon mine, a body pressed against mine. A familiar scent lingered in the atmosphere. But it wasn't the one I love. It was someone I loved.

"I'm so scared," his voice quivered, tears rolling down his cheeks, dropping onto mine.

"You are a fool," I mumbled quietly. He just held me closer tighter.

"Please don't die..." he confessed. He began to cry his eyes out holding me even tighter now, as if it would help him hold on to me.

"But I'm sorry... You gave up when you took off that ring..." I quietly spoke to him.

He searched frantically in his pockets, his belongings for it. But he couldn't find it. I had it.

"The moment you decided to take off that ring, you took my heart and hid it. Now it's back with me," I tell him.

His crying turns to hard, deep, long weeps and yelps. He could barely breathe.

"Don't worry... You found someone worth your love. Someone worth fighting for. So I let you go," it was the truth.

Speechless he held me further to look at me for a second. All he could do was cry.

There was nothing left in my heart for him. I forgave him for all the hurtful things he said, I forgave him for admitting that he just didn't love me that much. I forgave him for everything. He found someone he was truly happy sacrificing his life for--and that person wasn't me.

"Why do you have to go?" he questions me.

"It's not my choice. My heart decided for me," I reply gripping his hand.

I could feel myself fading as the second passed. I wasn't scared. I had accepted it all. It was my release.

His words just blurred and slurred as my vision slowly went.

I'm not scared. Dying did not signify the end of life, but rebirth of a new one. A better one. For that reason, I happily accepted my time.

"I know I hurt you..." I heard my voice speak, "but I deserve happiness too."

The next moment was the longest I had felt. It felt like years... Like many many years had flown by me. I was smothered in darkness but I was not scared.

I felt smooth fingers and skin caress my own. Slowly the black faded into an all too familiar scenery.

Waves slowly crashed upon shore, the breeze brushed against my skin, kissing every bit of it, telling me how much it missed me. The sun was setting like how I remembered it.

And... I felt his presence, next to me.

I turned to my right, and he was there smiling at the sunset, then gazed at me with his beautifully lit eyes, and pulled me to face him. Both his hands met mine beneath our waist.

He stares at me with his beautiful eyes and kisses me softly and sweetly on the lips. He waited for me as he promised...

He pulled me close as we watched the Gods of the sky meet at the horizon.

This was where I first met him.

I am happy.


Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Scary truth;

I have a tendency to want to let go when I'm climbing up high a ladder or when I'm up anything high, I have a tendency to want to free-fall.
It's a scary thought because if I did follow through my head's thoughts I would be dead by now. I think this is why I love the thrills of high things and going up them, i.e. Roller Coasters, Big Drop rides, or any other sort like that.
Scary truth is, I'm scared of heights.
Fears = joy.
Joys = fear.

Lol. I find this quite weird.



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